How to End a Bad Habit - Without Discipline or Willpower

The reason we struggle so much to end our compulsive habitual behaviors, even though they are sabotaging us, and even though we consciously want to quit, is due to a simple misunderstanding: The bad habit is not your problem. It is a symptom.

Any bad habit is a coping strategy, to deal with something you don’t want to feel. It could be a sense of unease, a moment of restlessness, or a subtle discomfort that’s hard to name or something more painful. When that feeling comes up, we reach for something, such as food, a drink, our phone, a cigarette. This automated response is simply a way to fix the unwanted feeling.

You might be able to end the habit though discipline or by replacing it with something else. But that has only temporarily eased a symptom, not solved the problem. This is why, even after countless attempts of quitting things like overeating or sugar, we return to the same pattern again and again. We may even get to the place where the physical craving and abstinence stop, which is what happens after some time with both sugar and nicotine. And still, we return later to the same behavior.

This is because we’re trying to fix the effect while forgetting the cause.

Your addiction and overconsumption of sugar, porn, gaming, alcohol, binging, overeating, smoking, scrolling or whatever it may be, is not a problem. It is a very, very unproductive way of coping or distracting yourself from a perceived problem.

And that perceived problem, is the fact that you’ve convinced yourself, that you can not handle what is left in the absence of your destructive compulsive behavior.

You sense discomfort and a craving. And without even having examined properly what it actually consists of (beyond the labels, assumptions, and judgements that your mind is fabricating about that discomfort), you jump to a false conclusion, every time: That this is difficult, hard, undesirable and needs to be filled, numbed down or fixed.

You falsely believe through these narratives of your mind, that quitting this unwanted destructive behavior, is giving up on something, that it would be a sacrifice. Consciously you know better of course, but that is not what you’ve brainwashed yourself to actually believe through repeating your behavior.

So what can you do?

Instead of making the decision to quit through force and willpower, run an experiment with absolutely no pressure or preconceptions.

As you feel the craving, before you act on it, pause for one minute. Just let yourself sit with whatever you think is so unbearable.

Let your guards down, let your defenses down, relax your body and let go of any tension.

Surrender and do not resist the feeling, and don’t try to change it, fix it or distract yourself from it.

Ask yourself with an open mind, without falling for the automated responses that usually labels this feeling, what is so difficult or bad about this?

Exactly what, objectively speaking is so unbearable? Lean into full acceptance that you feel a craving and possibly other feelings of unease or pain.

But is that really a problem? Or did your mind label this as a problem?

The truth is that you’ve run away from this so many times, that your brain made a predictive model based on your behavior. Automatically acting or distracting yourself from the craving is your way of dealing with a presumed dangerous or unfavorable situation.

But the situation was never dangerous, unbearable, unfavorable or even unwanted.

The truth is, you don’t need to fix anything, you don’t need to numb down anything and you dont need to escape or fill anything. You don’t need to replace anything.

Whatever convinces you of anything else is an illusion.

Most of us spend our whole lives resisting difficult feelings, trying to stay in control, avoiding anything that feels unpleasant. But that avoidance is what keeps us stuck.

Freedom from habits and conditioning is when you realize that you don’t need to fight yourself. You don’t need a strict plan or a list of rules. You don’t need to replace the bad habit with a good one.

You may think that means you’ll be stuck in pain, restlessness or longing, if you embrace your discomfort and welcome the craving.

But nothing is further from the truth.

Continuing the habit is what will keep you stuck in pain, restlessness and longing.

When you discover that being in what you thought was so intolerable, is actually completely fine, and that it can even feel good - you have found a freedom that not only frees you from your bad habits, but frees you from so much unnecessary suffering in general.

And yes, over time, cravings will soften. Patterns will change.

But the reward is not just quitting the habit. The reward is the freedom of no longer needing it. The ease that comes when you no longer fear or resist your own inner experiences.